JD:

“*bong rip* NO WAY *exhale* IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE!? Are you fucking avoiding me? No hey man I actually wasn’t call you to harangyou about coming to visit me. I accepted the fact that the first person to come visit me in western MASS in years since Gina would be my SHITTY biological father. JUST KIDDING I’m still not trying to make you feel bad. I have faith that you’ll probably beat him to it. But I actually wanted to call you because…… I need someone to talk to, man I need a shoulder to cry onnnnnnnnnnnnn! Bye.”

JD:

“Hey Daniel, this is Nancy calling from the Make a Wish Foundation. Um, your appointment with uhh Chris is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon I just wanted to remind you of that. Also, he says he would reeeeeaaaaallllly like it if you wore a Gumby costume? I dunno, he said you would understand hahah ya know, kids! ANYWAY! Call me back I got a FAT OUNCE I want to share with you whenever we can meet. Okay.”

This blog is a special selection of my favorite voicemails on my phone (from the past 6 months.) Obviously JD is the breakout star in this sheeeyyyiitttttttttt! Def more vmails on the way.

[NSFW]

This one actually happened today.

JD:

“Hey Daniel it’s your friend JD I just wanted you to know that YOU’RE A DEAD MAN, CASTLE. I’M GONNA FUCKEN NAIL YOU TO A BOARD… WITH HATRED. Call me back.”

[NSFW]

JD:

“Listen you little shit! You better fucken call me back you owe me some fucken money.”

JD:

“Heeeey Daniel, this is Laaaaary Jorbson calling from the Office of uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh personnel management and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

[NSFW]

JD:

“<water bubbling> aaaahhhhh yeeeeeeeee! Hey. I dun.. I was going to try and recreate that Deftones secret track, but then I realized…. I… don’t know anything passed the bong rip. Yeah.”

JD:

“Yo Chuck! I gotta run the mixes….. in the headphones <beatbox>”

Anonymous:

“Bitch is Paranoid?! <laugh> Bitch is not answering the phone when she doesn’t know the phone number? It’s me. buh-bye.”

[NSFW]

JD:

“Who’s the no-phone-answerin’-pussy-punk-mutha-fucka now, bitch!?”